Life’s a beach

Monrovia lies on the coast, beside mile upon mile of golden beach. Majestic Atlantic waves wash in from the Carribean and South America, breaking powerfully on the African shore.

They are tantalizingly close, but brace yourself for the sad news: there’s cholera, typhoid and hep B in them there waters! The Monrovian sewage system was built in the 1960s. It was designed to service just over 100,000 people. It has been poorly maintained and is stretched beyond breaking point, as more than a million people now live in the Monrovia area.

When nature calls, most Monrovians head to the beach. So be warned. If you set off for a romantic sunset walk along the beach, you are likely to spy silhouette after silhouette of squatting Monrovian. On their haunches, hands out front for balance. Backside to the city, eyes on the sea. As the sun sets gloriously over a foaming surf...

“God willing, I will be back”

I spied these words the other day on the back of a battered cab.

To the uninitiated, the phrase evokes Arnie "Call me Governor" Schwarzenneger’s infamous line in The Terminator, with a pinch of faith-based salt thrown in for a twist.These words were in fact spoken by former Liberian President Charles Taylor in his final address to the nation before going into exile in Nigeria.

If you want to see the man himself speak those words and you have a hankering to bid him good riddance as he boards the plane, get hold of a copy of the spellbinding documentary Liberia: an Uncivil War. But don’t watch it with your 6-year old niece, as it contains some gruesome scenes.

I’m going to make this entry a running list of the many and varied hand-painted Monrovian cab slogans. The entry’s title will be the last slogan I have encountered. So here goes:

"God willing, I will be back"
"No time to waist"
"No more jungle justice"
"My living should not be your concern"
"International legal hustler"
"Man suffer woman enjoy"
"Father, into your hands I commit this vehicle"
"No food for lazy man"
"Thy will be done"
"No matter your condition"
"Joyous heart"
"Don’t mind what they say"
"Jesus is the answer"
"Self-confidence makes a man"
"God’s precious gift"
"Chicken foot"

Street signs (Entry # 9)

Just the other day street signs started appearing in Monrovia's Sinkor neighborhood.
Brand spanking new shiny blue signs, mapping out Monrovia's Manhattan-like grid. Counting the metropolis all the way from 1 to 21.

All of a sudden some people discovered they didn't quite live where they thought they did.
2nd street became 4th street, 8th 7th and 16th 18th.
Which is the more accurate indicator ? The old local knowledge or these gleaming upstart proclamations? Like the stop and go signs, these new additions just seem to add to the confusion...

Learning to drive (Entry #8)

There's never a dull moment when you're driving in Monrovia.

Cars move left to turn right, pedestrians dash in front of you, and pot-holes line the streets. Traffic flows in a steady stream. To get out onto the main road you just toot your horn, put your foot on the gas, and pray that the sea will part. Amazingly, it usually does!

At anemic zebra crossings policemen wield two identical red signs. One reads "Stop" and the other "Go". In a country with minimal literacy [see entry #1], the fine distinction is lost on most drivers. If a Liberian driver sees a policeman holding a red sign, they know they either have to go or stop. It's that simple?

Apart from the signs held by policemen, there's not a single traffic sign or light in Monrovia. Charles Taylor once installed a traffic light, but it was soon disconnected. It caused too many accidents.

Roll Call, take 2 (Entry #7)

Freedom Fry's bit on the side got stuck on the crapper. That makes two of them. It's fry or be fried and he's about to sizzle. Rhino's still pacing, with a glint in his eye. He's more stomp than charge, but racism is his red flag. Red Bull is down but not out. If the tropical diseases don't kill him he'll be rookie of the year. Dingo went MIA for a while, but she returned with a wagging tail.

Chairwoman Mao has fled the scene. A wannabe Panchan replaced her, but larium sabotaged the reincarnation. Voices told him to take to the street, strip off his clothes, give his money away. And you thought I was being cute...

The Walrus is convinced that a witch-hunt's on the way. Congo's a twenty-first century Salem and Liberia's next. So there's to be no fraternizing with the locals and the curfew's getting longer. Apparently sex in Liberia is a nocturnal affair.

Drumroll, bigband music, curtains. It’s Muppet time. Miss Piggy’s coming and she’sdetermined to fling Kermit across the stage, with a triumphant "HIYYAH!"

Kermit’s hoping Animal and the Swedish Chef will keep her at bay. Will a blur ofgreen flash across the screen? Stay tuned for the post-mortem from the old geezersin the booth.

The Victory March (Entry #6)

You can’t miss him. He walks Monrovia. All day, every day. Along the line in the middle of the road.

He ventures forth like a sacred cow. Unflustered by the cars, trucks and vans that bustle around him. Honking, swerving, cursing.

His face is calm, his smile serene. His thick dreadlocks are growing out, but not down. They are yet to succumb to gravity. His shirt is unbuttoned, revealing a toned, athletic torso. His eyes are focused on a rapturous event in some other time. Every now and then he raises his hand. Acknowledging an adoring crowd in a parallel universe.

He is perhaps the only person in this whole town who looks content.

I’m told he was a LURD warrior. A footsoldier in the 2003 advance on Monrovia.

What a day it must have been. Embracing your enemy in the middle of the bridge, before crossing into the city center. Was he one of the first to cross?

Tomorrow, as yesterday, he will march on. Along the line in the middle of the road. Into a glorious past or a bountiful future?

Delirium or da larium? You be the judge.

Elections Liberian style (Entry #5)

2005 will be a fascinating year in Liberia. Elections are scheduled for October, but they may be postponed.

The reasons for delaying include:

1. October is the wet season.

2. With 40+ potential candidates the presidential field will take some time to whittle to a manageable number.

3. The fear that Liberian civil society is not sufficiently established to prevent the emergence of yet another Liberian strongman to plunge the country back into conflict.

The reasons for proceeding according to schedule include:

1. In Liberia it is the wet season nearly all year long.

2. With 40+ potential candidates we need the pressure of an approaching October date to whittle the presidential field to a manageable number.

3. The fear that if elections are not held soon yet another Liberian strongman may emerge to plunge the country back into conflict.


The presidential field includes diplomats, warlords and soccer stars, and the cast of political parties reads like the screenplay for Monty Python’s Life of Brian.
Just substitute “Liberia” and “Liberian” for “Judea” and “Judean”:

-Liberian People’s Party

-Liberia Unification Party

-Liberia Action Party

-National Democratic Party of Liberia

-People’s Democratic Party of Liberia

-Progressive People’s Party

-United People’s Party


Intrigued? We’ve only just begun...

Delirium or da larium? You be the judge.